We always play the "What do they call in it in Texas...." game. So I thought this would be amusing. Here's my answers!

R.I.P. Chelsea #2. You were a good fish. You lived a very long two years. You started off as a boy that was affectionately named Russell until my niece saw you and decided you should be a girl named Chelsea #2 after Chelsea on That's So Raven, #2 because her's was Chelsea #1. 

Sometimes you looked dead, and often I wondered if you were. But as soon as I shook the fish bowl, you lit right up. Kinda.

You liked to hide in your castle and stick your butt out. Sometimes I thought you were dead then, too. But you always swam out when I gave you food.

I thought I broke your tail once when I put your castle on top of it. But you didn't care! You swam and swam and swam...limp tail and all.

I always wondered why you hadn't died yet. I never had good luck with pets before. My first fish I got when I was 9, and he died after 2 months. My hampster, Hootie (yes...after Hootie and the Blowfish) died from a stomach tumor. (We brought him to a vet and had him hooked up to hampster i.v's.....)

You will be missed Chelsea #2! 

"You know, I would stand here with Sara and say 'good night,' 'take care' 'see you tomorrow' 'get home safe' when all I really wanted to do was plant her a big, fat, wet one. Square on the lips. Nothing confusing about it. She wouldn't have to think 'Maybe Callie meant to kiss me on the cheek and...missed.' Not between friends; not a friendly kiss at all. So she'd know. She'd know for sure. That I was answering her. Sara always asked me 'what do you want, Callie?' and I let her know. I answered." -Stop Kiss


Stop Kiss rehearsals are absolutely blowing my mind. Everything up until now has been fun routine blocking stuff, but now that we're getting into the juicy emotional aspects I'm having the most difficult time ever. I always have a hard time with vulnerability because it takes me a while to get there, and I have to work on something a lot before I get to a place where I can make myself vulnerable enough. And alot of the scenes it's like mumble mumble OK NOW YOU ARE SCREAMING SCREAMING ok and now you're hysterically crying.  Today in rehearsal I felt like the most insufficient actor and wondered why the fuck I even got cast in this. It's like in my head, I know what I want to feel but I'm either too scared or too....something....to show it. A really big part of me feels like there is this huge area of my life that I'm too afraid to start recalling, even though I know it would bring me to where I need to be. And why? Why am I too afraid? I don't know. It's acting! Ugh....I'll get there. I hope. I just need some "me" time to figure this all out.

I know nobody knows what I'm talking about, so don't mind me...I'm just rambling and need to vent my frustrations. 

Erin and I are rehearsing our kissing scene in a few days. Amy's totally freaking out about it, but I'm pretty positive that Erin and I will freak out alot less than Amy will and currently is, haha. Maybe because she's the director and needs to actually tell us "your hand here, your...mouth...here..." haha. And because it's such a huge moment in the show (basically the hugest) and the reason it's called Stop Kiss...it's like huge, and can't be fluffed over. Eeeeeks. I just can't wait until the show is all pulled together and I'm off book which FYI is going HORRIBLY. I'm basically the entire effing play and it's freaking me the fuck out that I have so much to learn. Yowza. How I'll handle How I learned to Drive after this, I dunno.

Oh yeah.

Something else kinda exciting in the world of Kacie.

I got the lead in Suzanne's play, "How I Learned to Drive." I play a teenager who has a sexual relationship throughout most of her life with her pedofile uncle. haha! So intense when I tell people that....they freaaaaak out. I don't know. I'm just sort of in shock right now about the whole thing because it was so far fetched and I auditioned because I wanted to be ensemble. Okay. I wanted to get Li'l Bit. But I never in a million years thought I'd even ever get call backs or be considered for it, so I didn't even think about that role at all. But once I made callbacks I guess in the back of my head I realized how badly I did want it, I just hadn't considered it because I never thought I was right for it, or my acting skills would ever be good enough, etc. etc. etc.....

So, eeeps. I'm excited though! Two lead roles in one semester. I've never even had a lead role in anything in ANY semester. It's a little intense. After I found it I kinda sat at home the entire day contemplating my life and freaking out about it. But in a good way. Hah :)

My life's really great right now. And I have alot to be thankful for. Today I was sitting in the ET office and I realized that I'm really lucky that I've met alot of really great people in college. Like, two years ago I hated school and was trying to transfer because I hated BSC and BSC Theatre so much. And now, I've made tons of great friends and gotten great opportunities and am so so so thankful for all of it. You know how people always talk about "Oh, well me and my college buddies....." yada yada yada? Well, when I first was at BSC I never thought I'd have "college buddies." I had my friends, and I had school. I didn't have friends I met AT school. And now it's like this whole other area of my life that I absolutely love. Aaaaand I kinda wish I had another year to enjoy it....haha. (Despite all the drama that goes on but its theatre, of course everyone has to be dramatic)

Ok that's all. 

:) 

SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW.

Actually, I'm cool with it. I kind of have been waiting to go back for a few weeks, mainly because I haven't been working alot so half my break was spent sitting around doing nothing while everyone I knew in life was making something of themselves and I was....not. haha. 

It's just dawning on me now that I'm GOING ON THE NEW YORK CITY TRIP IN APRIL. Suzanne emailed us saying Directing got to go too and it didn't click until now how excited I am. I haven't been to NYC for years and it used to be my favorite place ever...okay, it STILL is my favorite place ever. According to Amy, we're going around noon and the show isn't until that night so we get the whole day for stuff. Amy and I decided we are going to Canal Street. If anyone would like to partake, let me know. Haha.

I haven't watched All My Children in forever. I catch it once in a while if I'm home and put it on for five minutes every other month, but I'm not into it at all anymore and haven't been for a few years. BUT...lately I'm totally fixated on the whole Aidan/Kendall/Greenlee/Zach thing. And I've developed this INSANE FIXATION ON AIDEN TURNER. I cannot even control it, and don't know why it didn't develop with such intensity back when I actually *did* watch All My Children. I've heard a million stories about how huge of an asshole he is in a real life, but his perfection clearly surpasses the asshole factor. It's sick how fixated I've become.

Clearly...I have no life anymore. Haha.

AND REBECCA BUDIG IS BACK. I was getting used to the new-old(now) Greenlee but man...as much as I never really cared about Greenlee OR Rebecca, I'm obsessing over her being back. Maybe this is because I have no life anymore. But whatever....really.

You know when you have nothing going on in your romantic part of your life, so you feel like you need stuff to become obsessed with to clear your conscience over that part of your life lacking?

(or not...because that sounded way weird...)

Well...def. feel like that's what's going on right now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. 

I had a pretty sick dance party all by myself last night to multiple Cascada songs. I bet you're saying to yourself right now "Cascada has more than 1 song?" YES my friends, in fact...she does. And wine + Kacie + Cascada = one night you wish you could've taken part in.....

Love my life.

You say you fell while holding diamonds in your hands
It's your fault for running holding diamonds, I said
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I turned around three times and wound up at your door
Now you say you know all you did not know before 
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

Someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough

I found your love letters,
I threw them all away
I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95, and I'm driving you away
I shine a little more lately.....

I really wish that I could say it was worth it. Up until yesterday, I probably would have. Maybe someday I'll get to a point where I think it was all worth it. But as for now I'm not pretending it was anything it wasn't. Did I fail? No. You failed. And you're gonna keep failing until you eventually wake up one day and realize you have nothing to live for. Because your life is so fucked up and you won't let anyone help you; you'd rather wallow in your own self pity then make a life for yourself and be happy with it. I didn't want to change you-I wanted to help you. There is a HUGE difference. You're not used to people having unconditional love for you and you didn't know how to handle it. That's your problem. Don't blame it on my surroundings, or my upbringing as to why I got the better end of the stick than you did. I had just as much of a shot of making something for myself as you did. But you chose not to. And I can say proudly now that you will be sitting there, in the same place you're sitting now, when you're 45 and you're gonna wonder where the hell your life went. And you'll blame it on everyone but yourself. But one thing I can promise right now, is that when the day comes that everything spins out of control, I won't be there to pick up the pieces. And you know nobody else would be able to pick them up the way that I could. So good luck. Really. I hope it was all worth it to you.

Sometimes I find my life incredibly ironic. I think because I always think of myself as one way, and then all of a sudden things will spiral out of control and I'm suddenly the person I never wanted myself to become. 

I always thought of myself as being really strong, and suddenly I'm this pathetic loser clinging to every word that's said or not said by a single solitary person.

And that's PATHETIC!

And it's taken me a long time to realize how insane that was.

So I woke up the other morning, and just started laughing about it. All by myself. Because I'm SO much better than that and I'm SO much better than this. And I'm glad that I'm strong enough to realize that because many other people would not be so strong. Maybe that's what they wanted...for this to completely devistate me. Well, it's not. In fact, it's making me alot more empowered. Sad to think all the said "bad" qualities and reasons why it's so difficult to be with me were actually things that I love about myself. Sad to think someone could be so insecure that they have to belittle the strengths in someone else to make their weaknesses feel a little less weak. Really. It's sad.

So thank you. Thanks for giving me the power to know how great a person I really am, and having the courage to finally stand up to myself and slap myself around a little until I let it get through my head that I'm better than all of this.

Thanks.  

Hope everyone's New Year's Eve was fabulous!

Wishing everyone a healthy and happy 2008!

Here's to hoping 2008 proves itself better than 2007 was....haha. (Or atleast the last 2 months of 2007)

Went to a little partayyyy at Will's house. It was a fab time had  by all...except someone got sent to the hosp. this morning for (potential) alcohol poisoning. Eeeek. Need to call Jen and find out what's going on at some point today, because I dropped her off at the hospital like an hour ago to wait w/ ppl. 

I'm so redic. tired but I don't wanna waste my whole New Year's Day because I feel like that's what I always do every year...so no naps! (ok maybe later). 

Ok.... hope everyone had a happy night and a happy day and year <3

Walking with you in a winter snow,
Kissing underneath the mistletoe
People smiling everywhere we go,
It's Christmas Eve, and they can see we're in love

There's nothing quite like Celine Dion to put you in the Christmas spirit. LOVE that song! 

Top fave Christmas Songs:
1. Christmas Canon-Trans-Siberian Orchestra -Remake of Pachabel's Canon in D which is my all time favorite song EVER. Add a boy's children's choir....and it makes me wanna go off and get married tomorrow. Haha!

2. Christmas Eve-Celine Dion-Not many ppl know it but it's so adorable and I love it! 

3. All I Want for Christmas Is You-Mariah Carey-Obvi everyone's fave. Or alot of ppl's faves. They play it at BARS now. It's so cliche, but will always be good. Always!

4. God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen-Bare Naked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan-SUCH a good song! Love it. 

5. Lo, How A Rose E'er Blooming-Chanticleer-Oh my gosh...I'm singing this song in Church on Christmas Eve and it's one of my faves, now and forever. We sang it in High School and I've loved it ever since. And Chanticleer's version is SO PERFECT. If you like choral music, which obvi since I was a high school choir junkie I love it, then YOU'LL love it!

Ok...so go out and download all these songs to make your Christmas merry and bright :)

ALMOST DONE WITH MY SHOPPING.

I have like 3 more things to get. 

I'll get them tomorrow because I have all day. 

Today, my kids sang their little christmas song in church. they were so cute, even though like none of them were there and they were barely audible. Oh well. It was my first attempt at leading Cherub choir so I think it went pretty well regardless! Tonight's the Christmas pagant at church, and my class always plays the animals. We have little animal ears and tails and they're so adorable and this year there's like legit 2 kids that are gonna be in it. Chances are, I'll be playing a sheep or something. LOL. 

Going up to Boston tonight to help Mike w/ Christmas stuff....i.e. wrap presents because I have come to realize that boys aren't very good at that. (Well, most anyway) Yesterday he bought me these Godiva chocolate mint things and I instead of waiting for Christmas, I just ate them all. In like a half hour. It was sick, but I loved every minute of it.

Ok hope everyone is getting their stuff together for the holidays and all that jazz :)

YAY IT'S WINTER BREAK!! <3

Turned in my last project this morning....and I'm doooooooone. Well...until A)Stop Kiss rehearsals start after New Year's and B)Classes start in Jan. SO YAY! And classes 3x a week next sem. then I'm dooooooooone forever! (Until Grad School but that's a far off distant years-down-the-road plan). I was talking to Suzanne the other day about school and she was saying how it's funny that she went to school for so many years to get her doctorate and then she's still at school now teaching, so basically she's been at school her entire life. I never really thought about that but I guess teacher's really do spend their ENTIRE lives in school systems! Strange thought. Not sure if I'm ready to commit to that. Maybe years down the road...haha. I need time AWAY from schools in general for a while!

What did I do to celebrate? Oh went to work for a million hours. It wasn't bad though. Then I'm working tomorrow, and Sunday, and have Christmas Eve & Christmas off which is good because usually I always work Christmas Eve-day but this year I don't have to. My mom and I used to always every year go out shopping during Christmas Eve day, just for fun and go out for lunch but we haven't the past couple years because of work related shtuff. 

Singing on Christmas Eve. Don't know what I'm singing yet...haha. 

Shakespeare final yesterday. I had no idea how funny Carole and I were...apparently our scene was funnier than I thought it was. Glad to know the class got the jokes more than the two of us did...hahaha.  By the way, Bethany? Your scene with Andrew made my entire semester of Shakespeare worthwhile. COMPLETELY. 

And I'm supposed to go to Boston tonight but it's snowing pretty badly there (apparently) so we nixed that plan. Kind of ironic though that I would've been going there tonight of all nights, because ironically enough, Dec. 20th would've been our 1 year anniversary. I just found that kind of interesting because if things hadn't happened how they did I probably would've been crazy trying to plan something or vice versa. Bittersweet? Yeah. Am I okay? Yes. (Really!) 

I think after Christmas I'm gonna buy like a really cheap X Box or Playstation or something. I know Game Stop sells like old systems for really cheap, and I don't need a new one, I just wanna play video games. But I'm not a guy who has to buy the newest best thing there is (Although I admit, Guitar Hero's prob. the funnest game. EVER. And if I had it it'd totally be the worst guilty pleasure and I'd like hibernate and just play it all the time!) Oh wait. I forgot about Wii. I love me some Wii. But I don't have ample space to set it up so I can run around and play it. And I'm poor. 

I need to clean up the disaster that my life has become. Meaning...I have old wine glasses in my room and clothes everywhere and have no excuse for it now...haha. 

PEACE LOVE AND CHRISTMAS COOKIES! <3

OH PS:
BETHANY: Thank you for the CD! I almost crashed my car because I was listening to it and having a jam session to Britney Spears and Spice Girls and wasn't watching the road at all driving home last night, haha. I LOVE IT!

CAROLE: THANKS FOR THE PLANT! And the ornament! I put it on my christmas tree. And I promise I am good with plants...I will keep it alive!

To say the least, the past few weeks have been some of the most testing on me and made me really believe in myself and believe that no matter what, I'm a strong person and can get through anything. ("What doesn't kill you makes you stronger"...)

So I wanna take some time to think about what I do have that I'm thankful for, and not what I've lost. 





I'm thankful for my family, without whom I'd be nothing. They help me in everything I ever do. They support me, they're there when I have ups and when I have downs and are nothing but wonderful. For that, I'm the most grateful. I'm thankful that I have people who take care of me and help support me financially so that I can take the time to discover and go after my dreams and not let finances hold me back. 

I'm thankful for my wonderful friends who I'd never be able to get through anything without. I have such a fabulous support system and am so so thankful for all the wonderful people who have helped me through things. Whether they're in my life now, in the past, in the future...thanks. I appreciate it. 

Most importantly I am thankful for my dreams. They're what drive me the most in life, and ultimately with what's happened lately I've had to sacrifice some really huge important things because my dreams were getting in the way. Over the past year, I realized I was starting to let go of my dreams because of something I thought was more important. Maybe it was. I'll never know. What I do know is that now I have the time and energy to focus on everything I want to accomplish in life and I'm happy that I can do that without anything holding me back.

And I'm thankful for all of you for reading this. Soooo thanks! :)

Woooooooooooooooooooooo.  The End. :)

I've started watching All My Children off and on again, and I've developed a sudden, intense love for Aidan and Greenlee. I feel like watching their love scenes, I can live vicariously through fictional soap opera characters again...to make me feel better about my life.

So sad this is what my life has amounted to...haha!

P.S. new Celine Dion song? So great. Love love love it. Part of me feels as though I'm retreating into the High School Kacie again, getting fanatical about soap operas and Celine Dion. Just minus the braces and horrible hair.

________________________________________________________________________________

Yesterday I had to teach Drama Kids to 30 5th and 6th graders. It was the hardest thing I can ever imagine doing, and strengthened my decision to not have children until I'm at least 40. If that. I've never taken education courses, I'm not a theatre ed major. The only teaching experience I have is Sunday School where I teach 3 year olds and the kids are all cute or cry because they miss their mommy. OR teaching my Intro class where everyone's in COLLEGE and some of the students are older than I am. Drama Kids is all older kids (Well 5-11/12) BUT it's smaller groups and way easier to handle. Having 30 complete stranger 5th/6th graders was SO HARD! Props to every single elementary school teacher or middle school teacher who teaches that age. Seriously. So hard. I felt like a drill sargent. I've never been a strict teacher, I'm usually pretty laid back but I felt like I was back in elementary school with some horribly mean strict teacher except I WAS THAT TEACHER! The kids would be doing a scene and ppl would be talking and I'd stop them and say "Excuse me, what was her last line? You don't know because you were talking right? Please pay attention and apologize for being so rude." Like...WHO AM I! What the hell. 

I'm suddenly kinda getting excited about my future. I feel like I suddenly have a chance to imagine all the places I can go and all the things I can do and have this newfound freedom to explore the world and do whatever I want to. It's kind of reassuring to know that I have that. 

Last night, I went to Boston to see a play w/ my Intro class and Suzanne and it was so great, bringing myself to Boston all by myself, going home alone...it kinda sucked, actually. LOL. BUT! Just knowing there are all these things I can do by myself is kinda neat. I used to be so scared to do things alone. I'd bring someone with me to tie my shoe. LOL. But now over the past year I've learned to drive on the highway without fear, I can take the T anywhere and find my way all by myself...I've grown up alot. So, whatever happens in my life in the near future, whatever the outcome may be, I at least know that I've got something to take with me forever.

Not sure what the next few weeks will bring me. Here's to hoping it turns out however it should and that this time to myself brings me the right decision and being okay with it...whatever it may be.

Being mature is definitely better than not being mature. I'm just not sure exactly how I feel right now. It's like all the pent up emotions I've had, I suddenly don't feel as though I have a right to feel them. Funny how one mature, intelligent conversation can make you feel that way. Yet it can't erase all the aggrivation and horrible stressful past few weeks, and I need to remember that. There is a reason this is happening...we just both have to figure out what it is and if whatever we have underneath it all is worth fighting for. Maybe I do need to step back and focus on everything in my life aside from that one part. Because I've let it go all semester, and for all the wrong reasons. Because I didn't want to hurt anyone. Or at least that one person. I spread myself too thin. We both did. Neither of us have made anyone happy but each other (or at least attempted to) and it's sacrificed our friendships, our families, and our own lives. And it's only ended with us having all these built up emotions and anger towards each other and resentment because of it. 

This is probably for the best. It's just really hard to admit that it's come down to this. And I'm hoping, in the end, things happen the way they're supposed to happen.

Taking a LJ break for a while to sort things through with my life.

Lately, I've realized that I totally alter my language depending on who I'm around. 99% of the time I consider myself pretty wholesome. I never swear! Never! Yet when I'm with certain people, I do. And I don't know why!

Saturday Mike & I went to the science museum. He high-fived me, and it was hard, and I said "fuuuh-" and stopped myself before I finished the word, and gasped seeing that I was around like 500 children. Then I did it again at the lightening show, and realized a 3 yr old girl was sitting next to me. WHO HAVE I BECOME! 

Yesterday Lindsey and I went for a walk in Africa. It's this park down the street from me that just opened a couple yrs ago, and it looks like the savannah when you walk through it. You think antelopes or rhino's or giraffes are going to start walking through. It's SO beautiful. ANYWAYS....we were taking a walk and it started getting dark before we realized so we started to leave. We were walking on the path by this swamp/tall grass kinda thing and all of a sudden TWO HUGE animals jump out and start jumping through the really tall grass. We're pretty convinced it was deer although they were pure white and we couldn't really tell completely. So we were walking back to the car and had no idea where they went because the swamp and grass was so tall that we kept thinking they were going to jump out at us any second. SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE! I told my parents, and the only thing they said was "Aww! Deer! That's so cool!" NO MOM. It was not cool. I told Mike, and he laughed. WHY DOES NOBODY UNDERSTAND! 

Sooooo stressed out right now. Carole I love you, but why did I say I'd switch monologue coachings with you?!! Hahaha....kidding! I just wasted away all weekend and now I hafta try to cram to learn it all and prep it by classtime. So stressful. I'm only taking one acting course this year so you'd think I wouldn't be stressed out seeing that that's all I have to memorize, but it's Shakespeare...so obvi I wanna die. 

I've just decided that Mr. Shakes and I, we're not a great pair. Esp. since the class right before Acting Shakespeare is my lit. Shakespeare class so I have to read like quadruple Shakespeare and I caaaaan't do it! I CAN'T! I WANNA KILL MYSELF!

Oy. 

Going to Boston every weekend is really not helping my "Kacie needs to lose weight" plan at all. I lose 5 lbs a week, then by Monday I've gained it back. Stupid boys with stupid apartments with stupid abilities to convince me to eat unhealthy food!

I'm so late for school, it's crazy. 

Tah. <3